jane002

I have two daughters. One is smart, but not academically motivated throughout high school. The other is bright as well as diligent, but hates school. A year ago, I pushed Michelle (the hardworking one) to study for ACT. She did try and get a good score. As Asian parents, Joe and I believed she could have improved her score by one or two points if she had studied harder.

Many parents tend to believe their teenagers fail to reach the full potential due to lack of motivation. It seems that all they do is lie on the sofa, watching TV, texting and net surfing simultaneously, while devoting the least amount of attention to the homework they are supposed to finish.

Studies have shown that low-flow teenagers are “mall” kids; they hang out at malls and watch television a lot. The high-flow kids have hobbies, they engage in sports and spend a lot of time on homework. On every measure of psychological well-being (including self-esteem and engagement) save one, the high-flow teenagers did better. The exception is important: the high-flow kids think their low-flow peers are having more fun, and they say they would rather be at the mall doing all those “fun” things or watching television*.

How do we motivate our kids to be high-flow adolescents? The answer is in its definition: hobbies, engagement and hard work. Take it one step further, how do we help our kids have fun while doing the good work?

As parents we should provide our children opportunities to pursue activities so that they might discover an interest that they might not even know they have – whether we enjoy or value those activities or not. This means that we will have to be open-minded and take careful note of the activities and experiences our children naturally gravitate towards. Do not just choose things that we like or think they will like.

I was talking to a mother recently whose daughter paints beautiful pictures. The mother just brushed it off by saying, ‘Yes, she is really good at it. But I told her she wouldn’t be able to make a career out of it. I advised her to choose a career in healthcare.” My question is why can’t her daughter make a career out of the artistic talents? She can be an interior decorator or a designer. Would it be better for her daughter to do something she loves and is good at and get paid? Not everyone is born to be a doctor or lawyer. We the Asian parents will have to change our mindset if we truly want our kids to be uniquely and authentically who they are. Otherwise we’ll kill their motivation to excel.

Sunday morning Jake woke up announcing that he wanted to make a demo video of how to build his new Lego set and put it on Youtube. Joe and I thought it was a brilliant idea because this would allow Jake to exercise two of his strengths: building skill and the ability to explain things in a clear and logical way. We discussed what he could say to make the presentation beneficial for other kids. In the afternoon, the video camera was set up in the kitchen. But Jake changed his mind. He wanted to do an interview instead. He’d be the interviewer and I the interviewee. I changed my gym clothes and put on some makeup to show that I was serious about the interview. At the end of our 3-minute chat, we watched the recording together. I told Jake he asked some good questions and I enjoyed answering them. We don’t know whether Jake will grow up to be someone who builds things with his hands, a presenter, a journalist or a firefighter (his aspiration at this time), but our job as his parents is to help him identify his passion and talents and use them in his work and play.

Kids like to succeed just like adults because success brings enjoyment and satisfaction. Therefore seek opportunities for them to showcase their accomplishments. If you child is artistic, encourage her to enter her work for a display. If she is a good writer, give her contact information of the publications that might be interested in publishing her writing. If your child is learning how to play an instrument, just gather in the family room and listen to her play a new song every once in a while. Always praise their efforts instead of how smart they are. Somehow you want them to associate success with hard work.

When Jane and Michelle were little, daily piano practice could sometimes turn into power struggle. I asked an experienced piano teacher how to deal with their resistance to practice. She said, “They’ll enjoy playing piano if they get really good at it.” Indeed, mastery leads to higher level of engagement, which initiates the upward spiral.

If your teens are already distant, rebellious and unmotivated, it’s not too late. High school is when most kids start to demonstrate their abilities and strengths. Support their interests, whether it’s in sports or music or painting instead of nagging them on that consistent ‘B’ on science or their messy room. Help them figure out ways to turn their talents into a promising career. Parents of teenagers need to take a keen interest in their kids’ life in such a way that makes them feel validated and accepted. Teens may act like they are all grown up, but they desperately need their parents’ approval and acceptance. So give it timely and abundantly.

I am happy to report that today Jane is a self-motivated college student. All those years of my pushing and nagging didn’t help a bit. It’s the best when the motivation comes from within themselves. Jane starts to see how her work today will pay off in the future. She also surrounds herself with friends who have similar goals and interests. My hope for Michelle is that she’ll find the passion of her life because the way I see it, she’ll excel in whatever she puts her mind into. I am thankful for Jake because he offers Joe and me a precious opportunity to learn from our past successes and failures and therefore do things right from the get-go.

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*Authentic Happiness by Martin Seligman