Most people believe that a great relationship requires great problem-solving so that the couple can arrive at a place where they have compatible views on the critical issues and are generally in agreement with the important things of life. According to Dr. Phil McGraw in his book “Relationship Rescue”, it is a myth that has sent many couples down the wrong path. “Some simple, everyday, ‘no-brainers’ get resolved, but most of the key issues that create real conflict within a relationship never get resolved.”
Looking back at my own 25 years marriage to Joe, it is actually true. Joe and I disagreed about how to raise our daughters. He thought I spoiled them materially and was too intense when it came to their academic performance or extra curriculum activities. I regarded him as ungenerous and too relaxed. Joe believed that kids should be left on their own to explore and find their own interests while I took them from class to class trying to help them find their area of interests. The disagreement only intensified when we had Jake and Joe desired to get more involved. There were issues about Jake having too many toys and how to regulate his time spent in front of TV and computer.
Using Dr. Alan E. Kazdin’s point system to develop the desirable behavior (the positive opposite of the unwanted behavior) in Jake, Joe and I have found a way to reach a common ground, and neither of us have to depart from the core of our consciousness: me the desire to put a smile on my child’s face and Joe to teach Jake to be prudent. Now our son only gets toys if he earns enough points. We agree on what Jake wants and how many points it will need beforehand. I still buy my boy plenty of toys since it usually doesn’t take more than 2 weeks for him to accumulate enough points. Joe is okay with it because I don’t just hand him the toys, he actually has to earn them. And I no longer have to raise my voice when Jake doesn’t stop watching TV or playing computer games at the agreed time. He knows he isn’t going to be rewarded the points and therefore it will take longer to get that toy he wants to have so badly.
It’s important to keep in mind that it is perfectly okay for two people who love each other to disagree on even the important things of life. I now understand that our differences are rooted in how we were raised. Joe grew up in a family of eight children. He was used to hand-me-downs and making his own toys. Even though I also had a humble upbringing, my father was a son to a wealthy banker and grew up in abundance. I was told that in his fifties when he was too sick to walk a short distance without taking a few breaks, he bought a motorcycle because it was the best at the time. He never rode it. Maybe he passed some of those genes to me?
It is more rewarding to share a life with someone who enriches rather than just reflects it. Our differences on the key issues don’t have to be a deal breaker. If we agree to disagree and learn to treat them with compassion and a deepened self-understanding, the differences can actually be blessings in disguise.