Typically we marry someone because we feel heard, understood, appreciated and loved. During courtship, we can talk forever with this special person without getting tired or bored. Just hearing his voice gives us the warm and fuzzy feelings. We are certain that this pattern of connection will make the marriage sweet and endearing.
It turns out most marriage problems are rooted in poor communication. The act of communication involves sending and receiving messages from one another – when feelings (especially negative feelings) are thrown into the mix, it can upset the process.
Being aware of this basic fact is an important part of understanding how to communicate with your spouse. Healthy and constructive communication should be free of negative emotions. Couples ought to talk about their feelings in an open-minded and non-threatening way instead of allowing it to shape the tone of the daily contacts. Bitterness and resentment not only make your statements emotionally charged but also affect the way you receive your partner’s message.
Ever since Joe turned 50, the deterioration of his memory has become more obvious. He asked Michelle at least half a dozen times where one of her friends was going to college. Jane and Michelle are almost convinced that Dad never hears what they have to say. Joe can’t remember Jake’s afterschool activities half way into the school year. Almost every Wednesday I have to remind him to take out the garbage. It’d have been easier to get frustrated and taken the low road of nagging and accusing. But I am determined to avoid this path for two reasons. First, I noticed that my own memory wasn’t as good as it used to be. It’s part of aging. Secondly Joe is losing hearing in one of his ears, a genetic inheritance from his grandfather. To help refresh his memory, I offer him an update of the important agendas of the day the first thing in the morning or send the same information via an email if I have to get up early to go to the office. If he is expected to take Jake skating on a particular day, I try to send him a reminder 45 minutes ahead of time. So far things are chugging along smoothly most of the time.
An important aspect of communication is listening. It’s wothwhile to make an effort to understand what your partner is saying on a simple level as well as try to analyze the underlying message or desire. A woman who says to her husband, “Look at all my gray hair. I am getting too old.” The last thing she probably wants to hear is, “We’re all getting old. You’ll just have to dye your hair.” What she really wants is for her husband to say, “You are still as beautiful as 30 years ago when I first met you. You’ll always be the most beautiful woman in my eyes!”
One of the hindrances to effective communication is the expectation that your partner should know what you want without your saying it. The sooner you can do away with that fantasy, the more enjoyable and meaningful your dialogues will become. Instead of having him guess and second-guess what you really mean, why not just tell him? For example, instead of saying, “I am tired,” and expect him to respond, “You must have had a hard day with the kids. Take the night off and I’ll cook dinner.” Just tell him, “Honey, I am really tired today. Do you mind cooking or should we order take-out?” If there is a particular gift you want for your birthday, point it out to him and so you wont’t get disappointed when he gets you something you don’t really like.
To communicate with clarity and purpose, we need to know our own wishes and desires. Is it more important to maintain the ‘supermom’ image or allow yourself time and space to relax and recharge? Is it more important to be right rather than to be happy? Do you prefer contentious or constructive ways to resolve conflicts?
So find your communication styles that work and keep on expressing your thoughts and emotions to each other. The ability to communicate with compassion, humility, self-understanding and the willingness to understand others will make your relationship stronger and happier.